ROLAND. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
honoraryembryon) wrote2017-06-11 08:10 pm
honoraryembryon) wrote2017-06-11 08:10 pm
Entry tags:
[airlocked] it's wordy because he's a writer
[ So hey, guess what you'll find if you check Roland and Nishitani's room? A few pages! It's a letter. The handwriting is small, practiced, and neat. It's only a few pages long, but it's clear it was prewritten prior to the murder. Well, most of it. ]
If you're reading this, I've already been executed. Good. That's good. I don't know what they picked, but it was probably ironic and as fitting as getting eaten by the demon that ate me back home. (Indrajit. Funny coincidence, that. When I found that out, everything clicked into place. The scars. How I knew how to power machines... a power plant... it's a long story that paper couldn't hold. I'm sorry. I know I'll be reclusive this week, but I don't have it in me to talk when I'm so...)
I owe it to some of you to explain better what happened. I may not have had the time. My pills were taken, so I'm... losing control of myself. I could have come to someone and asked for a donation of flesh, but it would have had to have been serious in size for the amount of magnetite needed to keep me sane. I deliberated on it all week long, slowly losing my grip on things. It was... admittedly a struggle.
... I'm not the strongest person. I try, but I'm not. And I didn't want to hurt anyone. Especially not whomever ended up hurt. Indra isn't the best person. I'm not the best person. All he cares about is food, honestly. I gave myself this curse willingly. To inflict it upon yourself... is to wish upon yourself the penultimate sin. To eat another human being... there isn't a greater sin than that. Not even killing, but to consume them... is a terrible thing to do.
I want to talk a little bit about my friends, the Embryon. They're a group of Artificial Intelligences that escaped from a Purgatory much like this one. The odds of it were impossible. They were forced into a constant war, where people died left and right. They were, as near as I can tell from what I have now recalled (though there are still some gaps in my memories), the reincarnated souls of several people. Every human in the Junkyard was someone that had once died. It... may be true of all of us here. I am dead. I know for certain that there may be more of us here that are already dead as well. And it brings into question and concern to me... what if we are all already dead?
I know it's a far-off theory, but I... can't be certain. It would make more sense of the intense executions, the lack of care of P.A.L., the way we're been thrown together, the mismanagement of our memories. But I won't dwell on this for too long. It is my belief that we may all be in a similar state. I have no way of proving it, unfortunately. But it might also... make sense of our powers being able to be messed with. We may be dead, and this may simply be our solar data.
They say, in my home, by theory, that those who die go back to the Sun. That the sun is where God lives. That his data flows through all things. Including those of the dead. If our solar data was brought here... and it was manipulated... well. It would make more sense, right? Data comprises all living things, after all. Every single thing.
... I don't want this letter to be incredibly long, or anything. I'm tired, and I'm a little drunk. I'm hungry and it's hard to think. Nishitani... you'll be the one finding this. ... I'm sorry. I probably could have asked you to help me, but I... couldn't do that to you. I couldn't take something vital from you, not knowing the risk. Or anyone else, for that matter. Without the pills in supply anymore? I'm a liability. I told you and others here early on that... if I became a liability, I would rather die, and I meant that. But... I did like you, a lot. You're the first person that has ever made me want to be in a relationship, at all. ... It's funny. I never thought it was worth trying. The world was too chaotic, too terrible. But there are still good things left. We're two very awful men, aren't we? How in the hell did we end up in this place together at all, even briefly? I just don't understand. ... Fate is a funny thing.
... Thank you, Nishitani. For making me smile.
Queenie, you're one of those good things too. You're a good person. I don't know how you're going to feel about me when this truth comes out. Please keep supporting everyone. Support Nishitani, too. ... Please. Please, for me. I want you two to support each other. But... don't forget you can BE supported, too. To let others help you. You... can't do everything by yourself, okay...?
Clarith... I'm sorry. I wanted... part of me wanted to spend more time with you. To show you that there are nicer, less prejudiced people out there. To try not to be the kind of person you've had to deal with. ... I'm sorry about this. I didn't want this to happen, but I knew it could. You're a wonderful woman. Please, let nothing hold you back. Keep Arianna close, and keep her safe. Do not give up on your own happiness, or on getting out of this place. I know if anyone can hold on, it's you. You're... just so forgiving. I find it easy to believe you're a nun more than anyone. You have such a kind heart.
Ardyn... I feel like we're similar, somehow. Hearing what you had to tell me... I won't be able to keep that promise and I know it. I've come back to this letter over the week and filled in more of it as time's gone on, and I... I can't keep the promise to you I wanted to. I can't help you like I want to. But I don't think you're as horrible a person as you think. No worse than me, at any rate. We're both "bad" people. "Monsters", I'd say. I don't know the extent of what you've done, or what you are, but... listen to me. You are worth caring about, no matter what your own mind may try to say. I will always believe that. A friend of mine, Gale... he once said that it may be true that people like us become hideous monsters, but we still live. We're still people, even if it's only in the faintest of senses.
Arianna, you're such a sweet girl. You deserve to get out of here, too. Keep giving speeches. Keep inspiring everyone to stay united as a front. They need to. They may not want to after what I've done comes out. Please. Try to keep everyone together. I am asking a lot of you. ... I know. I'm sorry.
Junpei, you're a good man. Sorry I gave you so much shit, it was out of amusement. You have the same kind of world weariness to you I do. You've seen some shit just like I have. I can tell you're a guy that needs his drink the same way I do. ... I feel like we share a bit of that pain. But you're an amazing detective. [ The next part seems to have been hurriedly scrawled in: ] Sorry I had to move your body. I didn't want you getting hurt again. They all need you.
Church... You're a funny guy, you know that? A little ridiculous. I hope you can get the hell out of here. Until then, please keep making others laugh. That's... a valuable skill. (But for God's sake, don't set the kitchen on fire again.)
Heart... We're not that different, huh? Both not human, in a sense. ... You're still a person, though, to me. I think... you deserve to get out of here. And I hope you can settle things back home, too. Whatever's going on there. I really... wanted to learn more about your situation. It was... really interesting. I'm a little sad I can't. But... I'm happy you're alive, still. Keep that. Stay alive. For your people and yourself.
Nari... I meant what I said. You're a friend of mine. ... No, you're one of my comrades, as my fellow Embryon would say. Remember, orange is the Embryon's color for victory. You're free to wear it, if you want. ... Get out of here. Keep making friends. You deserve them. Don't let your past keep you down. Your powers make you stronger, not weaker.
Kip and Cece... I misjudged you both. I... was immediately suspicious of you two. I treated you both poorly at first, and thought ill of you. I... understand now that I should have been kinder. Kip... you're a good person, if a little bit too needy. Hah hah. You crave companionship. I understand. It's fine. Listen. Find someone and don't let them go, all right? And Cece--I'm sorry I've made even more messes inevitably you have to get forced to clean up. It's not fair you have to do that. That's not a job you should ever have to do. You're too nice a girl for that. Both of you are too nice to belong here with someone as terrible as me. I hope you both get out of this alive, and that you can help everyone stop P.A.L.
For everyone else... I'm sorry. ... If you want to hate me, if you're angry at me because of what I've done, because I'm going to put on an act when it's inevitable I kill someone... I apologize. But I don't know what else to do. I know it's going to happen. And I don't know how much longer I can stay this way. P.A.L. wanted me to kill someone this week, and he wanted me to be the culprit. But I'm afraid more lives will be lost if I don't entertain him. You might ask me what would happen... if I come clean about the murder. The truth is, I don't... know. But I don't want to test it. Maybe I'm selfish that way. If you want to blame me for that, go ahead. ... I'm sorry.
You don't need to make a memorial for me. I... probably don't deserve it.
I'm already dead, after all. And I'm a monster. ... Not much point, right? I don't have any regrets. I know my kid will take care of himself. ... Fred's a good kid. He's in the Embryon's hands, and his own. He'll see to the future. And so will you guys. Be strong, but also... be united.
Thank you for everything,
--Roland
If you're reading this, I've already been executed. Good. That's good. I don't know what they picked, but it was probably ironic and as fitting as getting eaten by the demon that ate me back home. (Indrajit. Funny coincidence, that. When I found that out, everything clicked into place. The scars. How I knew how to power machines... a power plant... it's a long story that paper couldn't hold. I'm sorry. I know I'll be reclusive this week, but I don't have it in me to talk when I'm so...)
I owe it to some of you to explain better what happened. I may not have had the time. My pills were taken, so I'm... losing control of myself. I could have come to someone and asked for a donation of flesh, but it would have had to have been serious in size for the amount of magnetite needed to keep me sane. I deliberated on it all week long, slowly losing my grip on things. It was... admittedly a struggle.
... I'm not the strongest person. I try, but I'm not. And I didn't want to hurt anyone. Especially not whomever ended up hurt. Indra isn't the best person. I'm not the best person. All he cares about is food, honestly. I gave myself this curse willingly. To inflict it upon yourself... is to wish upon yourself the penultimate sin. To eat another human being... there isn't a greater sin than that. Not even killing, but to consume them... is a terrible thing to do.
I want to talk a little bit about my friends, the Embryon. They're a group of Artificial Intelligences that escaped from a Purgatory much like this one. The odds of it were impossible. They were forced into a constant war, where people died left and right. They were, as near as I can tell from what I have now recalled (though there are still some gaps in my memories), the reincarnated souls of several people. Every human in the Junkyard was someone that had once died. It... may be true of all of us here. I am dead. I know for certain that there may be more of us here that are already dead as well. And it brings into question and concern to me... what if we are all already dead?
I know it's a far-off theory, but I... can't be certain. It would make more sense of the intense executions, the lack of care of P.A.L., the way we're been thrown together, the mismanagement of our memories. But I won't dwell on this for too long. It is my belief that we may all be in a similar state. I have no way of proving it, unfortunately. But it might also... make sense of our powers being able to be messed with. We may be dead, and this may simply be our solar data.
They say, in my home, by theory, that those who die go back to the Sun. That the sun is where God lives. That his data flows through all things. Including those of the dead. If our solar data was brought here... and it was manipulated... well. It would make more sense, right? Data comprises all living things, after all. Every single thing.
... I don't want this letter to be incredibly long, or anything. I'm tired, and I'm a little drunk. I'm hungry and it's hard to think. Nishitani... you'll be the one finding this. ... I'm sorry. I probably could have asked you to help me, but I... couldn't do that to you. I couldn't take something vital from you, not knowing the risk. Or anyone else, for that matter. Without the pills in supply anymore? I'm a liability. I told you and others here early on that... if I became a liability, I would rather die, and I meant that. But... I did like you, a lot. You're the first person that has ever made me want to be in a relationship, at all. ... It's funny. I never thought it was worth trying. The world was too chaotic, too terrible. But there are still good things left. We're two very awful men, aren't we? How in the hell did we end up in this place together at all, even briefly? I just don't understand. ... Fate is a funny thing.
... Thank you, Nishitani. For making me smile.
Queenie, you're one of those good things too. You're a good person. I don't know how you're going to feel about me when this truth comes out. Please keep supporting everyone. Support Nishitani, too. ... Please. Please, for me. I want you two to support each other. But... don't forget you can BE supported, too. To let others help you. You... can't do everything by yourself, okay...?
Clarith... I'm sorry. I wanted... part of me wanted to spend more time with you. To show you that there are nicer, less prejudiced people out there. To try not to be the kind of person you've had to deal with. ... I'm sorry about this. I didn't want this to happen, but I knew it could. You're a wonderful woman. Please, let nothing hold you back. Keep Arianna close, and keep her safe. Do not give up on your own happiness, or on getting out of this place. I know if anyone can hold on, it's you. You're... just so forgiving. I find it easy to believe you're a nun more than anyone. You have such a kind heart.
Ardyn... I feel like we're similar, somehow. Hearing what you had to tell me... I won't be able to keep that promise and I know it. I've come back to this letter over the week and filled in more of it as time's gone on, and I... I can't keep the promise to you I wanted to. I can't help you like I want to. But I don't think you're as horrible a person as you think. No worse than me, at any rate. We're both "bad" people. "Monsters", I'd say. I don't know the extent of what you've done, or what you are, but... listen to me. You are worth caring about, no matter what your own mind may try to say. I will always believe that. A friend of mine, Gale... he once said that it may be true that people like us become hideous monsters, but we still live. We're still people, even if it's only in the faintest of senses.
Arianna, you're such a sweet girl. You deserve to get out of here, too. Keep giving speeches. Keep inspiring everyone to stay united as a front. They need to. They may not want to after what I've done comes out. Please. Try to keep everyone together. I am asking a lot of you. ... I know. I'm sorry.
Junpei, you're a good man. Sorry I gave you so much shit, it was out of amusement. You have the same kind of world weariness to you I do. You've seen some shit just like I have. I can tell you're a guy that needs his drink the same way I do. ... I feel like we share a bit of that pain. But you're an amazing detective. [ The next part seems to have been hurriedly scrawled in: ] Sorry I had to move your body. I didn't want you getting hurt again. They all need you.
Church... You're a funny guy, you know that? A little ridiculous. I hope you can get the hell out of here. Until then, please keep making others laugh. That's... a valuable skill. (But for God's sake, don't set the kitchen on fire again.)
Heart... We're not that different, huh? Both not human, in a sense. ... You're still a person, though, to me. I think... you deserve to get out of here. And I hope you can settle things back home, too. Whatever's going on there. I really... wanted to learn more about your situation. It was... really interesting. I'm a little sad I can't. But... I'm happy you're alive, still. Keep that. Stay alive. For your people and yourself.
Nari... I meant what I said. You're a friend of mine. ... No, you're one of my comrades, as my fellow Embryon would say. Remember, orange is the Embryon's color for victory. You're free to wear it, if you want. ... Get out of here. Keep making friends. You deserve them. Don't let your past keep you down. Your powers make you stronger, not weaker.
Kip and Cece... I misjudged you both. I... was immediately suspicious of you two. I treated you both poorly at first, and thought ill of you. I... understand now that I should have been kinder. Kip... you're a good person, if a little bit too needy. Hah hah. You crave companionship. I understand. It's fine. Listen. Find someone and don't let them go, all right? And Cece--I'm sorry I've made even more messes inevitably you have to get forced to clean up. It's not fair you have to do that. That's not a job you should ever have to do. You're too nice a girl for that. Both of you are too nice to belong here with someone as terrible as me. I hope you both get out of this alive, and that you can help everyone stop P.A.L.
For everyone else... I'm sorry. ... If you want to hate me, if you're angry at me because of what I've done, because I'm going to put on an act when it's inevitable I kill someone... I apologize. But I don't know what else to do. I know it's going to happen. And I don't know how much longer I can stay this way. P.A.L. wanted me to kill someone this week, and he wanted me to be the culprit. But I'm afraid more lives will be lost if I don't entertain him. You might ask me what would happen... if I come clean about the murder. The truth is, I don't... know. But I don't want to test it. Maybe I'm selfish that way. If you want to blame me for that, go ahead. ... I'm sorry.
You don't need to make a memorial for me. I... probably don't deserve it.
I'm already dead, after all. And I'm a monster. ... Not much point, right? I don't have any regrets. I know my kid will take care of himself. ... Fred's a good kid. He's in the Embryon's hands, and his own. He'll see to the future. And so will you guys. Be strong, but also... be united.
Thank you for everything,
--Roland